On other notes, I've been thinking about friends a lot lately. An acquaintance of mine is getting married soon and posted on fb about going shopping with her bridesmaids. It made me think about who I would choose to be my bridesmaid if I get married. I realized that I don't have many choices. I have a few good friends, but not as many as I seem to think other people have. It seems that friends fit into many different categories. A select few are the best and will be there no matter what. Some are good friends but can't be counted on or trusted. This, IMO, is because they are either 2-faced or there is something/someone preventing them from being the friend they want and could be. Some are just too far away physically. It seems like I've lost many of my "true" friends and I really don't know or understand why. I know I'm bad about keeping in touch with people, but that is a 2 way street. I don't often call people because I don't have much to talk about. I'm a sahm who really doesn't do much all day.
Friday, June 15, 2012
It's been quite a while
The 1 year anniversary of my mother's death is approaching and I wonder how I'm going to feel about it. I really try to "forgive" her for what she did, but it's hard. I don't want to hold on to the bad feelings, but how do you forgive your mother for not wanting to be in your life and choosing alcohol over your child. I most often think of her at night when insomnia sets in and I can't fall asleep. Many nights I will cry quietly in bed, as to not wake my bf, over how I miss the "good times" and wish she had been strong enough to overcome her addiction. I think about what I will tell T when she one day asks me where my mom is. I wonder if she will be angry with me that I never took her to see her grandmother. I hope she'll understand the reasons I did what I did and not hold it against me.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Well...
T and I went to lunch with Grammie today then did some shopping. I managed to get a shirt and 3 pairs of underwear and only paid $4, woohoo. On a sad not, grammie's friend's husband is about to die, very sad story, only 53 and dying of COPD. So think of that the next time you light up a cigarette.
So, some background for what i'm gonna say. My mom is an alcoholic and has been since I was a child, she was never really in my life too deep. I don't speak to her and don't see her, the last time I did either was in Nov 09 when her mother was sick/passed away and I was kind enough to let her know since she lives in a dumpy trailer park and has no phone. She didn't make it out to the funeral and blames be for not taking her, I'm sorry but I'm the daughter she's not my responsibility. Her bf had a car and if she had really made it a priority she would've found the money to go out there, obviously there were other priorities at the time (which is nothing new). So, I guess she finally called her father, for the 1st time since her mother passed away. I called my aunt to get the details. Apparently, all she really said was to remind everyone that she was turning 50 this year..REALLY..everybody knows how old you are, but nobody really cares since she doesn't care about anybody else. She also mentioned that she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver (big surprise), but that she's on meds and the doctor says she's ok, which I highly doubt. IF she stopped drinking, she might have a fighting chance, but I don't believe for a minute that she has, beings that she lives a whole 50 feet behind a carryout (that sells beer and liquor). I know how my mom used to be before she fell so far into alcoholism, and she's no where near the same person. Let me also add that she's never seen her 3 year old granddaughter, I refuse to take my daughter to an alcohol/drug filled trailer park, and I also don't plan to have my daughter deal with all of my mother's antics. Do i feel bad that my daughter will probably not meet her grandmother, YES, ABSOLUTELY....however, my mom is choosing alcohol over her family, which is also not the first time. I so wish that my mother would change her life around and be the mother that I deserve and the grandmother my daughter deserves, but I've done all I can, she has to actually want it and she obviously doesn't.
Whew, that was a lot! It's a subject I've been thinking a lot about. I think I might write a letter and let my mom know how I feel, I don't think it will change anything, however, it will let me get my feelings on the table.
So, some background for what i'm gonna say. My mom is an alcoholic and has been since I was a child, she was never really in my life too deep. I don't speak to her and don't see her, the last time I did either was in Nov 09 when her mother was sick/passed away and I was kind enough to let her know since she lives in a dumpy trailer park and has no phone. She didn't make it out to the funeral and blames be for not taking her, I'm sorry but I'm the daughter she's not my responsibility. Her bf had a car and if she had really made it a priority she would've found the money to go out there, obviously there were other priorities at the time (which is nothing new). So, I guess she finally called her father, for the 1st time since her mother passed away. I called my aunt to get the details. Apparently, all she really said was to remind everyone that she was turning 50 this year..REALLY..everybody knows how old you are, but nobody really cares since she doesn't care about anybody else. She also mentioned that she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver (big surprise), but that she's on meds and the doctor says she's ok, which I highly doubt. IF she stopped drinking, she might have a fighting chance, but I don't believe for a minute that she has, beings that she lives a whole 50 feet behind a carryout (that sells beer and liquor). I know how my mom used to be before she fell so far into alcoholism, and she's no where near the same person. Let me also add that she's never seen her 3 year old granddaughter, I refuse to take my daughter to an alcohol/drug filled trailer park, and I also don't plan to have my daughter deal with all of my mother's antics. Do i feel bad that my daughter will probably not meet her grandmother, YES, ABSOLUTELY....however, my mom is choosing alcohol over her family, which is also not the first time. I so wish that my mother would change her life around and be the mother that I deserve and the grandmother my daughter deserves, but I've done all I can, she has to actually want it and she obviously doesn't.
Whew, that was a lot! It's a subject I've been thinking a lot about. I think I might write a letter and let my mom know how I feel, I don't think it will change anything, however, it will let me get my feelings on the table.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
1st post
Hello Blogging world!!!
I won't get into anything too deep for this first post. I'm a 26 year old female who lives with my BF of 5 years and our 3 year old daughter "T". I have my bachelor's of science in nursing, but am currently a SAHM. My father raised me and he means so much to me that I really can't put it into words.
This blog is going to pretty much be a venting spot for me, this will include the good, the bad, and the ugly. Please be kind and remember that anything I may say is just my personal opinion, you have not lived my life so don't try to judge me based on 1 thing I say.
I guess that's about it for now, so
Goodnight!!!
I won't get into anything too deep for this first post. I'm a 26 year old female who lives with my BF of 5 years and our 3 year old daughter "T". I have my bachelor's of science in nursing, but am currently a SAHM. My father raised me and he means so much to me that I really can't put it into words.
This blog is going to pretty much be a venting spot for me, this will include the good, the bad, and the ugly. Please be kind and remember that anything I may say is just my personal opinion, you have not lived my life so don't try to judge me based on 1 thing I say.
I guess that's about it for now, so
Goodnight!!!
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