It's been quite a while

The 1 year anniversary of my mother's death is approaching and I wonder how I'm going to feel about it. I really try to "forgive" her for what she did, but it's hard. I don't want to hold on to the bad feelings, but how do you forgive your mother for not wanting to be in your life and choosing alcohol over your child. I most often think of her at night when insomnia sets in and I can't fall asleep. Many nights I will cry quietly in bed, as to not wake my bf, over how I miss the "good times" and wish she had been strong enough to overcome her addiction. I think about what I will tell T when she one day asks me where my mom is. I wonder if she will be angry with me that I never took her to see her grandmother. I hope she'll understand the reasons I did what I did and not hold it against me.

On other notes, I've been thinking about friends a lot lately. An acquaintance of mine is getting married soon and posted on fb about going shopping with her bridesmaids. It made me think about who I would choose to be my bridesmaid if I get married. I realized that I don't have many choices. I have a few good friends, but not as many as I seem to think other people have. It seems that friends fit into many different categories. A select few are the best and will be there no matter what. Some are good friends but can't be counted on or trusted. This, IMO, is because they are either 2-faced or there is something/someone preventing them from being the friend they want and could be. Some are just too far away physically. It seems like I've lost many of my "true" friends and I really don't know or understand why. I know I'm bad about keeping in touch with people, but that is a 2 way street. I don't often call people because I don't have much to talk about. I'm a sahm who really doesn't do much all day.